Things I Want Our Kids to Know

When I was 34 weeks pregnant with my fourth (and final!) baby, I developed a blood clot in my brain. By the time I was properly diagnosed the clot had progressed and caused me to suffer an ischemic stroke. I was 35 years old and healthy; the doctors said it was simply a rare complication of pregnancy. I spent nearly a month in the hospital. (Know the signs of stroke during pregnancy.)

Given the situation, I was scheduled to deliver the baby at 37 weeks via C-section. The surgery was considered high-risk given the propensity to clot and stroke again both during the procedure itself and post-delivery while clotting factors returned to normal levels.

The night before the C-section I was terrified that I would die and leave my children without a mother. For some reason, I had always imagined that if I faced death that I would be brave and accepting — but in those moments I felt nothing but anguish and fierce determination to live. In an attempt to leave something for my children and let them know how much they meant to me, I wrote them each letters and a list of life advice and practical guidance to help along their journeys. I sent the list to a friend to share with my husband if I passed. I couldn’t bear to send it to him myself.

Although this event was traumatic and truly life altering for me, nearly three years later I am here, healthy, and raising my babies alongside the most incredible husband and family one could ask for. I know how fortunate I am to have survived *and thrived*.

I stumbled upon the list today. For posterity, and both in celebration and as part of the healing process for this memory that has haunted me ever since, I am sharing what I wrote that night.

Things I want our kids to know

• Learn as much as you can about as many subjects as you can. Read, listen to podcasts, etc your whole life. Do not stop learning.
• Successful people do what unsuccessful people are unwilling or unable to do — put in the work.
• Write down your goals, break them in to stages and then detail out.
• Create new goals each January: by year, quarter etc and share them with someone, print them out and post them somewhere you will see.
• Do the math when facing a financial decision (job, degree, car, loan etc) and make sure the numbers make sense for your long term goals.
• Nurture your relationship with your family. There is nothing more important than who you choose to spend your time with and invest in. Your siblings will be your lifeline, here with you even after your parents are gone.
• Love and value your Daddy. He will love and support you through everything. Spend the time and effort to get to know him and do things together. Ask for his advice. You don’t have to take it, but he’ll be thinking of YOU when he gives it.
• When dating, or in a relationship, be honest, faithful, dependable and say what you mean and how you feel. No one is a mind reader, it feels uncomfortable to share you feelings or thoughts, but you need to get there if you want that relationship to work.
• Do not get married before you know who you are. Finish college, get work and life experience, travel, and develop on your own before you commit to develop with someone else.
• Who you marry is probably the most important decision you will make. You need to marry someone on an upward personal trajectory, committed to personal growth, who knows how to communicate, commit, and be dependable.
• Do not ignore red flags! They will not go away once you marry. You cannot change them! Move on and wait for the right person with whom day-to-day life is fun and easy. You should compliment and build each other up. Have interests outside one another and MOST importantly, you need to have the same values and want the same things. Talk about these things BEFORE getting serious.
• People may wrong you in some way. You need to forgive people, don’t hold grudges and avoid bitterness. It only harms you. That being said, you need to have and communicate your boundaries. You can forgive someone and still move on.
• Travel! As many places as you can as often as you. One of my favorite quotes by Mark Twain “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”
• Take your health seriously, you have one body and one life. Get regular checkups, eat in moderation, make working out part of your daily life.
• On the other hand, you are not your body or your weight. You value is not derived from how small or big you are. Your body is a way to transport your soul.
• Religion is manmade. The existence of God does not rely on men or religion. I believe that God is very real, but I don’t understand much more than that. Jesus’ message was remarkable because it was based on showing love and acceptance to other people. The religion in churches does not usually reflect what Jesus preached.
• For me, work has been a great outlet to use my brain. I was interested in business, language, academia (European History) and government. I have so far only focused on business. At times, I’ve been obsessed and let it drive me too far. Just like your appearance, you can’t let your business or professional success become transposed with your self worth. My dad once said to me that “you can only be rich in family” and I have found that to be true.
• That being said, you should work harder and be more prepared than everyone else, whether or not you have natural talent. One of my favorite quotes “it’s not the will to win that counts, but rather the will to prepare to win that matters.”
• At age 18, I started listening to Brian Tracy, about the Psychology of Success and Goal Setting. This helped me to train my mind on how to set goals, envision success and work hard. Your thoughts are truly your only limitation. Not your talents, circumstances, ability. Really, if you can envision something and plan for it, put in the work and keep going when you hit a speed bump or even initially fail, you will do it. Most people do not believe this and they invent reasons why something isn’t possible. If you can learn to live without mental limitations, you can outpace everyone around you.
• Art is good for you. Music, painting, acting, singing, all of these things mature a different part of you than the normal humdrum of life. You should carve out time to do them.
• Read, read, read! All types of books and subjects. Don’t ever stop.
• Babies! Having babies has been the greatest joy of my life. When it is time for yours, make sure you are ready to make them the single most important thing in your life. You have to put them above all else as you are single-handedly responsible for their well-being and trajectory. Actively teach them and let them be who they are. Nurture their differentiators and show them that you accept them. Kids need routine and structure to feel safe. Keep their environment stable and nurturing. Take them to the best doctors, hospitals, schools, etc. Set them up to be successful, but teach them that their own work and effort and character will be what ultimately makes them so.
• I lost my dad and my brother when I was 19. Death is very confusing. I read once in the book, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, that “death is the absence of presence,” and I find that to be the most accurate description of how it felt for me to lose them. With time, the grief lessens. You won’t forget them but you’ll create a new reality where you move forward and they do not. It’s important to grieve and talk about it when you can. Don’t stifle it. Expect many stages. They’re all ok.